Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Acually Doing Something

6 days of holidays left. 4 of which are weekdays. Also, 4 of which I have tuition classes and an exam to take. Some holiday ...

I miss PA tuition classes at Kolej Bandar. I forgot how funny Mr. Thiaga was, and how I acually pay attention in his class ( aside from the few remarks I make about certain people in class ). Something totally off topic ; I hate Jesse McCartney's new song, I can't even remember the title !

Today's PA class ( an intensive class ) was great. I acually felt that I learnt something. Crap ! Kasturi's PA exam is on Thursday ! I didn't even open a book yet !!!

Shit ! Ihaftastudynowgottago ... !

-conRad-

Saturday, August 19, 2006

The Lies I Tell

I had a dilemma. I signed up to take a PA test at Kasturi which, overlaps on an intensive class for PA at Kolej Bandar. I would rather go for the intensive class rather than take the test, so, I came up with a plan of replacing myself with someone else. I placed my query at the front desk of Kasturi to a sweet lady. Unfortunately, no matter how sweet she was, there was nothing that could be done. She asked me why couldn't I take the test and I told her a lie ( I thought I could get my way ! ). A lie that if you heard offhand, even you'd realise it was a lie. I now know, no matter what lie I'm telling, I can make it extremely believable. I told her that I couldn't make it for the test as I'll be visiting my grandfather in Melaka because he's very sick.

  1. I don't have a grandfather in Melaka
  2. She asked what kind of sickness he's suffering from ? I answered, "I don't know ? He's very very sick"
  3. She asked me when I'll be leaving ? I answered, "I don't know ? As soon as possible I guess

Anyways, I spoke to my PA teacher at Kasturi and worked out my dilemma. I'll be taking the test on another day. :)


I'm still feeling guilty after lying to that sweet lady. Plus ! I have to avoid the front desk at all costs because I forgot I have normal tuition classes to attend too ! Me and the messes I get myself into !

-conRad-

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

So Many Wrong Perceptions

Today, school seemed less of a chore and more of an enjoyable work load, something like I have been dying to to do/handle.

You know how first impressions usually tell you the type of person you'd be dealing with in the future ? Yeah ... it's not always right. I thought Thiagu would never prove to be the responsible rasional thinking person that I see him to be now. I guess, I miss judged him when people painted a dark picture of him. I finally see past the sordid colours. Then, there are others which I first saw a glimmer of hope and now, I see more of a fire of true colours.

I thank God that in 3 months, all this will be just a memory. This past year so far has brought out the best and worse in me. Some saw the best and judged me on it. Some saw the worst and judged me on it. And some saw both best and worst, and proceeded to judge me on it.

Don't you get it ? We judge people on what we see first, the tiny part that makes up that person. We didn't see the other tiny parts. We just concluded on the first jigsaw piece when we saw it ! Everyone in the world does this. Nobody has the benefit of a doubt. You are who you are from what I saw first.

I don't think this can be changed. We made it this way and grown accustom to it ( I know I am ). The sad thing is, once a negative perception is created, you'll never know the true person. Like a completed painting where you want to see the canvas.


-conRad-

Sunday, August 13, 2006

A Little Loss Of Faith.

I think I am permanently like a 'deer caught in headlights' and/or a 'child in a pit of unforgiving decisions'. I just feel a little lost, worried that I will not be able to even scrape a passing mark for my coming exams. I've let my ego stand in the way of my future; I still have not forgiven my parents for forcing me to do STPM, for not believing that I can do well elsewhere ( no matter what the competition or hardship that'll come my way ), for not letting me be independent, and for allowing these and other insecurities build within me ( and tear the walls of confidence ). I'm like plaster with no mould.

I tried putting my misery at the back of my mind. I replaced it all by focusing on other things like school ( anything but studying ), this blog, friends, and other things that I can lend a hand to. I want to do well but this is something I extremely hate. I try and try, and now, I'm out of options. I'm reaching the brick wall and I'm going to hit it soon !

I've hit to many dead ends. I fear I'm fighting a lost battle. How am I not supposed to feel like a loser ?

The one thing this pathetic 19 year old mostly desires from his family is a tiny droplet of attention. Not one bothers. All I ever wanted was someone who bothered. All they expect is that I do well so that our family name rises ( don't care how I do it, as long as it happens ). So that my achievement could be something to gloat about. So now, since I'm failing, why mention my name to others, why bother at all ?

Everytime I ask for help, they just scowl and tell me to go away. I'm 19, Yes I know ! But is it really that immature to ask for something like that ?

They have problems. I have problems. Mine's just not that important.

I don't want to fail ! I really don't want to !

I'm losing myself in this silly problem.

I feel lifeless.

... too much drama huh ?

When I'm happy with myself, there's always something in my life to spoil it.

-conRad-

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

I Really Don't Understand

I really don't understand what's in store for me. What is the 'greater plan' for me ? I am constantly at logger heads with every decision there is to make !

I had a good dream last night. The one thing I am so afraid to share with everyone was discovered, and had received positive feedback. It was a very comforting dream. Something, which in reality might ( who am I kidding ? ) backfire. I am walking on hot coals ! I am obviously not ready to share.

Going to school today was pointless ! I only had a class in the beginning and at the end of schooling hours, the FSC meeting was cancelled. I should've just missed school today. At least I'd have a good sleep. I didn't feel so good in school. Whilst on my way to school, I felt woozy and nauseated ( and having gastric pains wasn't helping either ). This, carried on till I reached home. I still feel a bit sick. *Blueck* Oops ! I guess I just vomited all over the screen ...

Wait a minute ! Since when did I eat lumpy green stuff ???

-conRad-

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Updating Life

I sort of felt guilty everytime I open my blog page just to add another entry, I haven't been improving in my studies so, I came up with self punishment. I stopped finding reasons to go out, to blog and to even attend the Pussycat Dolls concert !

Now I even stopped watching most tv shows. I have turned my daily routine into a colourless picture, dull.

After the slight misunderstanding between Shantini and I, our relationship is mended and I find her much more tolerable (it's a start !). Infact, I feel our friendship is better than it was before.

Ok, that's it for now. I'm still on punishment !

PS: Debbi's birthday party on Monday was great ! Especially the part when I was going home with Michelle *rolls with laughter*

-conRad-

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

St. Anne's Feast

The Journey To Bukit Mertajam

Four days ago, I left Petaling Jaya at around 10.30pm enroute to Bukit Mertajam (BM) for St. Anne's Feast. The bus ride to BM was long (about four to five hours) and tiresome. As soon as everyone boarded the bus, we begun praying and singing hymns for a safe journey (stares at mom and gives discomforted face). I felt very odd, I know this is normal for every Christian group to do but I just feel like we should have stuck to just one prayer (overdoing things always seem desperate and hypocritical), we even said the rosary (this is common la).

After awhile of restlessness, I finally fell asleep (rather uncomfortably). The bus made a few pit stops (to ease certain people's bladders) at rather regularly visited rest areas such as at Rawang, Tampar ... bla bla !

Talk about coincidences ! I met all of my grandmother's neighbours and friends and my mum's cousin's from Malacca, all heading to BM too. So we ended up chit-chatting with them for awhile. They had to leave first and not long after that, my group had to leave too.

At about 1am or so, I woke up from sleep to loud "Oh's!" and "Aahh's!". There was a red Kelisa in front of the bus, dangerously swerving from left to right, and scrapping the steel road dividers. The bus driver (Abang Kamal), safely kept his distance and drove carefully. As we reached a toll, the Kelisa cut through the Touch 'n' Go line and rammed straight into the pole that prevents cars from passing through. Abang Kamal, told the toll attendant about the silly driver of the Kelisa. Not long after the Kelisa was freed from the toll, it sped off and we lost sight of it. However, barely 10 minutes later, we spot the driver taking a piss at the side off the road (everyone in the bus burst out laughing and cracking dirty jokes). After all that, the driver still drove fast and was swerving through the traffic like he was on a F1 track. That was the last straw for Abang Kamal, he called the police and not long after that, the Kelisa driver was apprehended.

Now, after all that drama, at about 2am or so, there was a motorcyclist with his wife, dangerously swerving on the highway (seriously ! what is with all the swerving ?). Apparently, the motorcyclist was falling asleep, and his wife was trying to keep him awake (If your so tired, stop by somewhere la till you're ok la!). At one point, the motorcyclist swerved hard to the left, narrowly missing a speeding bus! Stupid people!

So much Drama in one night !

The First Day Of My Pilgrimage to St. Anne's Church

My Group arrived in Bukit Mertajam at about 7.15am. we first headed to the old church to begin our 'Way of the Cross' prayers. We were scurrying to all the life size statues to acually follow the 'Way of the Cross'. It was all over the Church's compound ! After that, my mum and I prayed in the old church and then headed up the hill to pray in front of St. Anne's shrine (it was not that high up the hill, but the steps leading up was too high from one another). Along the hill, was the old stations fot the 'Way of the Cross'. Any candles lighted will be put out within a minute or so to allow others to place their candles. In the old church, I met an old lady who asked for a box of our candles and was willing to pay with what ever she had in her purse. She didn't bring enough money to buy any candle so my mum and I just gave it to her. After donating some money to the church's fund, my mum and I headed for the Novena Mass. Then, just before leaving to have brunch in Penang, we bought a few religious souvenirs.

We all were left to find food in Penang Road. Being that my mum has been there before, she took me to have Penang's famous 'nasi kandar' at a nearby restaurant. It was so good, but a little pricey. As we waited for the bus to fetch us all at an appointed place, I spotted a few fellow parishioners all from the Youth Club of Sacred Heart.

So after lunch, we headed to our hotel 'Tanjung Bungah' in Tanjung Bungah ! There was a jam, therefore, when we reached the hotel, all of us wanted to have a deep rest. When we finally reached the hotel, I noticed the people in the lobby were all rather muscular men. I turned to look at a banner hanging on one of the pillars in the hotel, the hotel was hosting the finals for a bodybuilding contest ! *smacks head* If three bodybuilders used the lift, no one else can use the same lift all together.

At about 3.45pm, after a long rest, some of us from the group (about 21 people) headed for the evening celebrations in BM. This time, the church was packed as compared too in the morning ! I met up with my cousins and we all stood for the entire Novena mass at the corner of the left wing of the church. I met Priya and her sister Emma together with Emma's boyfriend Dennis (the youth leader). Somewhere in the middle of the church, I spotted Monica and managed a tiny wave to Stephanie. Sadly, after the mass, I could not take part in the procession because the bus had to leave at 8pm. The trip back to the hotel was a long one. The bus left BM at 9pm and reached the hotel at 10.30pm. By this time, my mum and I were dying of hunger. In the end, my mum and I had dinner at a nearby food court. The food was great !

The Second Day Of My Pilgrimage to St. Anne's Church

We were all awakened at 7am. My mum and I headed to the hotel's restaurant for breakfast, to only find that almost everything was almost gone ! all the bodybuilders had dug through everything ! I managed to eat a pinch of fried mee hoon and fish sambal ! I mostly dug in later all the bread and jam.

A small argument broke out within our group. Some wanted to go for Sunday Mass, but as the priest said the day before, that there was no need for that ! So those who wanted to go argued with those who didn't want to go. I obviously didn't want to go ! I went for 2 Masses already !!! Anyways, to resolve the matter, the group leader declared that on the way back, we head to Ipoh for Mass in St. Michaels.

So after checking out at 10am, we did some shopping in Penang Road. I bought so many cheap food and clothing !!! Then, I had lunch at that 'nasi kandar' restaurant again.

When we reached Ipoh, (by this time, my mum and I made a few friends already) the new friends, my mum, and I had a tea break at a nearby mamak stall. When the group reached St. Michaels, I was amazed ! It was very old looking and beautiful ! As we walked in, a strong gush of cold air brushed my face. It was fully air-conditioned! The choir there was awesome too.

And after Mass, we stopped at Tapah rest area for dinner at about 8pm. Seeing that the food court was extremely crowded, my mum and I had Dunkin Donuts for dinner. I finally reached Petaling Jaya at 10.30pm after the long long ride from Tapah.

On this day, about 11-14 people lost their lives, traveling from Ipoh to BM, because their bus over turned. May their souls rest in peace.

-conRad-