A Little Loss Of Faith.
I think I am permanently like a 'deer caught in headlights' and/or a 'child in a pit of unforgiving decisions'. I just feel a little lost, worried that I will not be able to even scrape a passing mark for my coming exams. I've let my ego stand in the way of my future; I still have not forgiven my parents for forcing me to do STPM, for not believing that I can do well elsewhere ( no matter what the competition or hardship that'll come my way ), for not letting me be independent, and for allowing these and other insecurities build within me ( and tear the walls of confidence ). I'm like plaster with no mould.
I tried putting my misery at the back of my mind. I replaced it all by focusing on other things like school ( anything but studying ), this blog, friends, and other things that I can lend a hand to. I want to do well but this is something I extremely hate. I try and try, and now, I'm out of options. I'm reaching the brick wall and I'm going to hit it soon !
I've hit to many dead ends. I fear I'm fighting a lost battle. How am I not supposed to feel like a loser ?
The one thing this pathetic 19 year old mostly desires from his family is a tiny droplet of attention. Not one bothers. All I ever wanted was someone who bothered. All they expect is that I do well so that our family name rises ( don't care how I do it, as long as it happens ). So that my achievement could be something to gloat about. So now, since I'm failing, why mention my name to others, why bother at all ?
Everytime I ask for help, they just scowl and tell me to go away. I'm 19, Yes I know ! But is it really that immature to ask for something like that ?
They have problems. I have problems. Mine's just not that important.
I don't want to fail ! I really don't want to !
I'm losing myself in this silly problem.
I feel lifeless.
... too much drama huh ?
When I'm happy with myself, there's always something in my life to spoil it.
-conRad-
I think I am permanently like a 'deer caught in headlights' and/or a 'child in a pit of unforgiving decisions'. I just feel a little lost, worried that I will not be able to even scrape a passing mark for my coming exams. I've let my ego stand in the way of my future; I still have not forgiven my parents for forcing me to do STPM, for not believing that I can do well elsewhere ( no matter what the competition or hardship that'll come my way ), for not letting me be independent, and for allowing these and other insecurities build within me ( and tear the walls of confidence ). I'm like plaster with no mould.
I tried putting my misery at the back of my mind. I replaced it all by focusing on other things like school ( anything but studying ), this blog, friends, and other things that I can lend a hand to. I want to do well but this is something I extremely hate. I try and try, and now, I'm out of options. I'm reaching the brick wall and I'm going to hit it soon !
I've hit to many dead ends. I fear I'm fighting a lost battle. How am I not supposed to feel like a loser ?
The one thing this pathetic 19 year old mostly desires from his family is a tiny droplet of attention. Not one bothers. All I ever wanted was someone who bothered. All they expect is that I do well so that our family name rises ( don't care how I do it, as long as it happens ). So that my achievement could be something to gloat about. So now, since I'm failing, why mention my name to others, why bother at all ?
Everytime I ask for help, they just scowl and tell me to go away. I'm 19, Yes I know ! But is it really that immature to ask for something like that ?
They have problems. I have problems. Mine's just not that important.
I don't want to fail ! I really don't want to !
I'm losing myself in this silly problem.
I feel lifeless.
... too much drama huh ?
When I'm happy with myself, there's always something in my life to spoil it.
-conRad-
posted by -conRad- at 4:38 PM
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