Do We All Need A Reality Check ?

I feel squirmish. I've been that way since Wednesday.

I read something in a book Sonia brought to school recently. I forgot the book's title but I know it was wisdom for young females. I flipped to a page and somehow I connected with what was written. It went along the lines of "... I will not wish to change what had happened, it needed to be done. What I wish to change was how I felt when I did it ...". This phrase referred to the fight I had with Shantini on Wednesday. Never would I expect that after doing what I had always wanted to do, would make me feel miserable throughout the week. Our emotional scope is never what we anticipate.

I am angry at Nik Anuay ! How dare he say the Form Six Council (FSC) hasn't done a single significant thing in school ??? I am angry at Norhana ! How dare she say that Denise and I do nothing in FSC !!! Our/My work is never appreciated. If the Malaysian government wants to see prejudice, selfishness, biased decisions, useless undedicated teachers, power struggles, pettiness and the list just travels, see it in V.I. The only sane people in V.I are a few teachers and students. Everything else is blinded by pure greediness !!! The system is corrupted. It will remain in its slumps.

I feel too disgusted ...

-conRad-

Recounting Disappointment

It is not what I expected it to be. I mean, my MUET results. I worked for a band 6 but I was rewarded a 5.
I was woken up on a Saturday morning to the ringing of my handphone. It was a short message from Alan suggesting that I should check my MUET results online.
I bounced of the bed and hurried straight to computer at the other end of my room. Immediately I turned it on, all whilst still being unbathed, unfresh, and unawake.
I gave a huge yawn as I waited for the connection of the internet to hook up to the world of cyberspace beyond my monitor screen.
As I typed the address to the website, I heaved a huge sigh, desperately hoping I did well, that my work wasn't for nothing.
The pressure built as I typed in my index and identification card numbers into those empty boxes provided. When I clicked the silver grey button proclaiming the word 'Submit', I prayed to God a silent prayer.
Within seconds, words slowly loaded onto the screen. I bit my tongue as the results displayed. An emotionless face fell to disappointment.
Right at that moment I was fully awake. Disbelief churned within me. I was disgusted at one point. I turned away from the fate my monitor displayed.
Slowly, I scrolled for Sonia's number in my handphone.
Each ringing tone sounded like a dreaded death bell. The first attempt to reach her had failed. I tried again. This time, the ringing seemed normal.
I hated myself.
How can I get over myself underachieving my target so fast ?
I felt I should beat myself up about it even more. Sonia answered the phone.
I told her that I could help her check her results. I spoke in a monotonous way. I was disappointed.
She achieved the same as I had. But I was proud of her. She expected less. I expected more.
We exchanged goodbyes. She had to go.
I reluctantly set the handphone down. I wanted to shout at someone. The frustration was too intense.
Sonia messaged me this time. She sensed something was wrong. I denied it.
She knew.
She knew I was angry at myself ... Indeed I was and I still am.

-conRad-

Get Dirty ! It's The Only Way.

I'm back. Things have flew by pretty fast. All gone with the wind. The World Cup Ended. Italy won it ( all the other teams I was rooting for lost, Italy was the other team that I hoped would win, and they did ! ). And troubles brew everywhere.

It was "picture taking" week ( for our school mag ). This day is the day for people like Ben and Li-Shia and Amy and Denise and ... and ... other self confessed photo taking addicts. I feel like crap as all my pictures look horrible ! ( I need to work on my smiling face - a few people or so, have hinted on/laughed at/mimicked my smile )

I feel like I'm on a sinking boat with a float. I'm sinking, but there's a float, but I want the boat to stay afloat and the float is there too. ( I want the cake and to eat it )

People always have a conception on another person, wether good or bad. Walk tall la. You are who you are, don't change to suit other's likes and dislikes. Life has it's transitions ( a questioning period ). Stay strong, when everyone weakens to conform to society's norm. ...just a word of advice ...

-conRad-

I'm Getting Football Crazy ! ( Football Mad Nation, Come On Come On ... !!! )

I can't belief England lost out on a penalty shootout ! I want to kill myself ! When I first realised that England was up against Portugal, I had no idea who to support ? I am an England fan to the bone but I too cannot deny Portugal's claim to the cup this year. So, I cried for England and rejoiced for Portugal. Great ! Now Portugal's up against Germany, both teams I have been supporting too. I guess it's Portugal's game this year. God Bless Portugal ! I felt Germany's game against Argentina was a total mess ! ( MESS ! ). Brazil must be kicking themselves now. Jason Lo was right, France is a spinning wheel, once started, it doesn't stop. I feel so sad for Brazil fans ... I saw their faces. Some couldn't even speak.

Yesterday was Scared Heart's Youth Fellowship. I had a great time. I guess I made more friends now. Joanne left early and missed Priya's hilarious performance. The Youth committee members broke into teams of 4 with 3 members in each team. They were colour coded; pink ( best dressed, they looked cool. Guys; black shirt and a pink tie. Emma wore a simple yet nice get up ), yellow ( didn't really like their sketch ), red ( they were ok ) and green ( Priya's gang ! ). The green team's sketch was based on their colour green, the colour showing life. So Priya and Christian started coming in like a couple of monkeys screaming and then Dennis joined in ( the Youth President). Their point ? They were showing life when man first sprouted from earth. They just kept on screaming and dancing ( That was the best ! ) I was laughing till crying. I wished they just recorded the whole thing. All the jumping, funny language, scratching armpits, licking floors ! They just kept on going. ( I'm still laughing ... )

Needless to say, Priya's team won ( it was sort of a competition ). I should go for more of these things.

Since I'm getting lazy to explain summore stuff ( I feel sometimes Li-Shia and and I are on the same plain-I too, feel like I'm running out of words to say, type and write )

Open Day aka Report Card Day didn't go as I expected. Mr. Leong put in more hope into my mum that there's a chance if I work really hard, that I'll do really well in STPM. I really really want to kill myself now !

-conRad-