Recounting Disappointment
It is not what I expected it to be. I mean, my MUET results. I worked for a band 6 but I was rewarded a 5.
I was woken up on a Saturday morning to the ringing of my handphone. It was a short message from Alan suggesting that I should check my MUET results online.
I bounced of the bed and hurried straight to computer at the other end of my room. Immediately I turned it on, all whilst still being unbathed, unfresh, and unawake.
I gave a huge yawn as I waited for the connection of the internet to hook up to the world of cyberspace beyond my monitor screen.
As I typed the address to the website, I heaved a huge sigh, desperately hoping I did well, that my work wasn't for nothing.
The pressure built as I typed in my index and identification card numbers into those empty boxes provided. When I clicked the silver grey button proclaiming the word 'Submit', I prayed to God a silent prayer.
Within seconds, words slowly loaded onto the screen. I bit my tongue as the results displayed. An emotionless face fell to disappointment.
Right at that moment I was fully awake. Disbelief churned within me. I was disgusted at one point. I turned away from the fate my monitor displayed.
Slowly, I scrolled for Sonia's number in my handphone.
Each ringing tone sounded like a dreaded death bell. The first attempt to reach her had failed. I tried again. This time, the ringing seemed normal.
I hated myself.
How can I get over myself underachieving my target so fast ?
I felt I should beat myself up about it even more. Sonia answered the phone.
I told her that I could help her check her results. I spoke in a monotonous way. I was disappointed.
She achieved the same as I had. But I was proud of her. She expected less. I expected more.
We exchanged goodbyes. She had to go.
I reluctantly set the handphone down. I wanted to shout at someone. The frustration was too intense.
Sonia messaged me this time. She sensed something was wrong. I denied it.
She knew.
She knew I was angry at myself ... Indeed I was and I still am.
-conRad-
It is not what I expected it to be. I mean, my MUET results. I worked for a band 6 but I was rewarded a 5.
I was woken up on a Saturday morning to the ringing of my handphone. It was a short message from Alan suggesting that I should check my MUET results online.
I bounced of the bed and hurried straight to computer at the other end of my room. Immediately I turned it on, all whilst still being unbathed, unfresh, and unawake.
I gave a huge yawn as I waited for the connection of the internet to hook up to the world of cyberspace beyond my monitor screen.
As I typed the address to the website, I heaved a huge sigh, desperately hoping I did well, that my work wasn't for nothing.
The pressure built as I typed in my index and identification card numbers into those empty boxes provided. When I clicked the silver grey button proclaiming the word 'Submit', I prayed to God a silent prayer.
Within seconds, words slowly loaded onto the screen. I bit my tongue as the results displayed. An emotionless face fell to disappointment.
Right at that moment I was fully awake. Disbelief churned within me. I was disgusted at one point. I turned away from the fate my monitor displayed.
Slowly, I scrolled for Sonia's number in my handphone.
Each ringing tone sounded like a dreaded death bell. The first attempt to reach her had failed. I tried again. This time, the ringing seemed normal.
I hated myself.
How can I get over myself underachieving my target so fast ?
I felt I should beat myself up about it even more. Sonia answered the phone.
I told her that I could help her check her results. I spoke in a monotonous way. I was disappointed.
She achieved the same as I had. But I was proud of her. She expected less. I expected more.
We exchanged goodbyes. She had to go.
I reluctantly set the handphone down. I wanted to shout at someone. The frustration was too intense.
Sonia messaged me this time. She sensed something was wrong. I denied it.
She knew.
She knew I was angry at myself ... Indeed I was and I still am.
-conRad-
posted by -conRad- at 5:29 PM
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