I Don't Need To Re-Assure Myself :'(

I need a remix for my life. Many things I try finding answers to. I close my eyes hoping everything changes. I know it's called DENIAL but it comforts me, lets me forget the hauntings of reality. Funny...

I'm scared. My grandmother ( my dad's side ) is suffering from alzheimers disease and she doesn't know. I've been impatient with her countless times. Partially because she brought me up where, being a child is unforgivable. Everything I did was wrong and my truth were lies. Yes, I should let my harbouring hurt go, but I find it hard. :) Now, I'm afraid, afraid of her making mistakes, forgetting simple things, I'm just afraid of the unknown. I can't handle ... ( I can't find the word or sentence to help explain how I feel )... I'm just scared.

I was enjoying life earlier, I was out Christmas shopping. But, God slapped a handful of reality to my face. Grounded. That's what I feel . Shackled to the earth's dust, which we came from.

I'm lost for words. Too lost . My loneliness within this body, is killing me. How do I deal with someone who doesn't want to believe she is sick ? How do I deal with this disease ? It's not a punishment to her or to me. It's just being part of the cycle of life. But, it feels like punishment !

I cannot handle people being sick. Especially her ! I can't feel pity towards her, I don't want to ! She made my childhood a painful memory... But I can't make her sickness a painful memory either.

AAArgh ! :'(

WHY ? WHY ? WHY ? !

-conRad-